One of my favorite ways to express sympathy when someone has experienced the death of a loved one is to give them a copy of Tear Soup. The key message of the book is that we all like soup our own way and that is exactly how we process our grief. There is no one right or best way.
Sharing a personal example may help you understand what I mean.
We had to make the decision to let our 12-year old Siberian Husky go in mid-August. It was hard! If you have been in the position where you have a pet with failing health, you know the pain that goes with the decision making. We didn’t want her to suffer – we also didn’t want to end her life if she was still okay. I prayed every day for weeks that it would be clear to me when it was time. One evening, the answer became clear. Rick was travelling and I was home with her. We spent most of the night outside. There were a few times when she just laid down on the lawn and refused to get up and go back in the house. It was like she was telling me that she couldn’t do it any longer and I knew it was time.
Her passing was lovely and sweet and full of tears, but we felt peace with our decision.
We LOVE our dogs. Not just kind of, but head-over-heels adore them. With our kids grown, the dogs have become the center of our everyday. Rick runs with them. We walk them together. They greet all guests. They go on car rides. They wake us up in the morning. They lay at our feet when we work. They get under our feet when we are trying to work. They are IN our lives, and we love it.
So, even though we still have two dogs at home, there was a hole when we lost C’yana. We said goodbye to her on a Thursday and over the weekend I observed how Rick and I dealt with our grief in different ways.
Rick was quiet. He didn’t tell anyone about it. He spent time outside all weekend finishing our dog kennel. He listened to music. He spent time all by himself. He dealt with his sad feelings inside his head and heart.
I posted pictures of C’yana on FaceBook. I texted our family and close friends. I made 3 batches of salsa and watched movies. I talk to a friend and cried. Over and over again I said how much I missed her.
What was the same? We both needed to throw ourselves into being productive – doing something.
What was different? I needed to talk about it – Rick needed to be in his own head. It helps me to express things out loud, but for Rick it helps to not express it.
Years ago, I would have kept talking to Rick about it; pretty inconsiderate of what he needs.
This understanding has helped me over the years as I interact with those who are grieving. Instead of worrying about what to say, I now know that for some people it isn’t about talking – it’s just about being there.
For some they want to push through it and stay busy and they don’t want to talk about it at all.
Others really need someone to listen to them – no commenting necessary – just listening!
Some people deal with their grief and then they are through it. Others, like me, can have moments weeks and months -even years later that the emotion comes bubbling out and the tears fall.
Just like in other parts of our lives, our preferences really do show up differently. I think that’s fascinating and even more importantly, I think it’s helpful to know what to offer others in hard times.
What do you need when you’ve lost someone you love?